Living as a Catholic with OCD
Quare tristis es, anima mea? et quare conturbas me? Spera in Deo, quoniam adhuc confitebor illi, salutare vultus mei, et Deus meus. (Ps 42,6–7)
Living as a Catholic with OCD is one of the most spiritually debilitating experiences someone can undergo in this short journey to eternity. While most Catholics associate OCD with the ubiquitous 'scruples,' manifestations of Catholic OCD can vary from the typical case of conscience confessors have to deal with on a regular basis.
1. Scrupulosity
Catholics with OCD often fall into patterns of scrupulosity, where they find themselves ruminating about whether or not they have committed so-and-so mortal sin. This can take a variety of forms. Did I pray my rosary just right? Did I withhold something from Confession/mentally commit a mortal sin in between my confession and the absolution, or immediately after absolution? Am I culpable for this flash feeling of anger?
Some tend to end up wondering if they would be culpable for things they did in the past before being made aware of the fact that they were sinful. Plagued with incessant doubts, some even go so far as to read theological manuals (sometimes even in Latin) to solve these moral questions, and then retroactively judge themselves based on this new information.
Many also tend to ‘hedge bets’ in Confession — confessing sins they weren’t sure they did just so that they can “err on the side of caution.” This can turn the experience of confession into “torture” — to use the words of Pope Francis — rather than a healing conversation with Jesus Christ. The confessional becomes a place to set free rein to one’s moral ruminations.
To top it off, some begin to stop receiving Holy Communion, even after going to Confession an hour before, just because of some intrusive Bad Thought that they kept on ruminating about during the Mass. They end up losing out on the best medicine for the soul: the Holy Eucharist, which provides immeasurable and salutary graces to the spiritually afflicted.
2. Theological Rabbit-Holing
Some Catholics with OCD, especially those on the more ‘polemical’ or ‘apologetical’ side of things, tend to encounter various objections against certain points of Catholic teaching. These objections tend to consist in Bible verses, Church father quotes, magisterial/Papal pronouncements, and other things that opponents of the Faith try to pit against current Church teaching on all levels—whether dogma (de fide) or merely authentic Magisterial pronouncements.
Some of these objections, at first glance, seem well founded. This can lead to some OCD Catholics having intrusive doubts about matters of Faith or doctrine. Did Pope Aliquis I deny papal infallibility in his bull Non existimandum? Does Pope Vaticanus II’s recent document contradict the dogmatic pronouncements of the Council of Antequam? Is the current Mass/rite of ordination/ritual valid in light of the Church’s teaching on valid form and matter?
Most who contend with these doubts find comfort in YouTube videos and Catholic Answers articles. Others who are more diligent go so far as to collect research papers, scholastic treatises (and in multiple languages), and seek out advice from the masters of theology in order to help assuage these recurring doubts. What ends up happening is that they end up neglecting their fundamental theology and the things they actually need to study in order to jump into a series of theological (and often historically convoluted) rabbit-holes.
Theology is meant to be a sublime experience by which we learn to know more about Who we love so that we may love Him more. Unfortunately, OCD turns theological inquiry at its head: instead of it becoming a journey by which we learn to love God with all our minds (Mt 22,37). Instead of being rooted in the virtue of Faith — something that every good theology manual reminds us — it ends up becoming a way of playing whack-a-mole with our incessant, intrusive doubts.
3. Compulsive Prayer
Many of us are aware of the fact that OCD has to do with undoing intrusive thoughts by way of ritualized compulsions. It often happens that throughout one’s day—or during prayer, an evil/Satanic/maledictory thought pops up in the consciousness of a Catholic suffering from OCD. They fear that God might turn their thought true, or that it may be imputed upon them in sin. This compels them to undo it by saying some prayers: from something as basic as “I renounce this!”, or “I don’t want X to happen!”, to something as complex as an Act of Contrition.
The problem is that these are almost never satisfactory in the minds of Catholics with OCD. Maybe there was an error in the way a word or syllable was pronounced. Maybe some intrusive thought popped into their head that made the prayer “invalid” — or even worse, something that could cause the complete opposite of what they were praying for.
Someone could say: “I do not want to go to Hell” — but then their mind puts an extra “not” after the first “not,” thus creating a double negative. So they have to repeat it again and again until they get it right. This process can take hours — if not a whole day. Someone could pray to Saint Joseph, but upon saying “Saint” his mind is suddenly flooded with the thought of “Satan.” Someone could encounter a heretical intrusive thought and suddenly he can’t stop himself from saying “The Pope is infallible” hundreds of times until he gets it right.
This can obviously be a very frustrating experience for OCD sufferers. It becomes easy for someone to get angry at God for not allowing him to “say the prayer right” just one/three/seven times, or for the fact that he suddenly can’t control his diction or the way his tongue moves in a way that would satisfy his OCD. This can even lead people to abandon prayer altogether.
Prayer is meant to be a way of connecting with Jesus and building a personal relationship with Him. But OCD turns it into a perfectionistic ritual of neutralizing the fear engendered by one’s Bad Thoughts. This turns God into a genie who will make all your wishes come true: the good, the bad and the ugly — instead of a provident Being who fulfils prayers based on whether or not He sees fit to do so (in theology, we call this congruous merit).
All in all, OCD presents many unique challenges for Catholics to live a life of spiritual serenity. It is a cross that many of our brothers and sisters have to bear. We need to recognize OCD for what it is: a mental illness which needs to be addressed holistically, using the means provided to us by both nature and grace. Let us put our complete trust in the providence of Jesus Christ, true God and true Man, who by His Passion and Death obtained for us the means of turning our own crosses into trees of life everlasting.
Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for us!