Wander the Desert

Only in crisis and desperation do we humble ourselves enough, admit mistakes, let go of blind eye that got us lost and accept directions to the right way forward. 

Last night I cried myself to sleep. For the first time in a long time I cried because I was completely and utterly lost, with no clue how to escape and my mind so unwilling and unable to move. 

The last time I had felt this way, I was put on medication in an attempt to dampen the hurt and start living again. To try to make something of my life, I used my feelings of inferiority and desire to prove myself as fuel. Since then I was able to accomplish much. I gained friendships that I only ever dreamed of having, served my community, brought my grades up, and fixed my health as best I could. It was an exciting journey to conquer the snakes that haunted me. 

Four years later, I was terrified to discover that the same anxiety and feelings of inadequacy still creep around. What was particularly worrisome was the fact that I now had access to a support system and a list of accomplishments to be proud of; but I still felt this way. It made me wonder if anything would ever calm my worries and satiate the longings of my heart. 

My friend once told me that every man has a God shaped hole in his heart. We try to supplement it with our addictions—sugar, cigarettes, social media or other idols. This only proves we are wired for worship and devotion, but so often we find ourselves worshipping the wrong god. 

When people ask me why I am a Catholic, I would often have my cookie cutter answer ready: “My parents taught me the faith, and I found that nothing else could fill my emptiness.” While I could recite those lines, deep down I began to forget what I meant by it. My whole world slipped from under me when I began to forsake the genuine relationship I had with God in exchange for busy work or an exciting new obsession.

In my lowest moments I would cry and pray for God to help me because I knew I was powerless. It was only through Him that I could have accomplished what I did. So long as it aligned with God’s will, and so long as I did my part with integrity and diligence, I got everything I wanted: to pass my tests, to get home safely, to resolve conflicts. 

Part of what led me astray was when I insisted on having my way, knowing very well that it strayed from what was right and good. (It is so foolish to forget Who got me out of the lowest point of my life, and Who is to credit for every triumph and blessing.) Like Adam and Eve hiding after eating the forbidden fruit, I stopped asking for assistance and praying. I tried to take matters into my own hands, only to lead myself into slavery of my empty obsessions, or the desert of my own confusion. 

I spent so much time chasing what I thought would get my peers to accept me or make my parents proud. The process of bending myself to “win” was so numbing, that once I attained the goals and received all the praise I sought, it did not matter. Out of spite—still feeling like a failure in the midst of triumph—I wanted to be selfish and pursue what I want, NOW. Needless to say, the pursuit of meaning and purpose kept eating away at me until I forgot which direction was up. From that I discovered that being paralyzed in limbo is terrifying, second only to the descent further into hell. 

Without anywhere to go or any help around to confide in, I began to cry for the Father who I turned my back on and ran away from. To Him I surrendered all my sorrows, fears, dreams and desires because I know He always protects my heart. 

I cannot draw a direct quote from Scripture; this is merely the narration of the voice that consoled me:

“I don’t need you to prove yourself to earn my love.
Stop chasing the dreams placed on you by earthly people. 
Come as you are. I already love you infinitely." 

We can't tell what the future holds, that's what faith is for. All we can do is aim up and act right and pray we might see the promised land. Let heartache be our sign to put more trust in God. 

Ma. Lucia Reyes was the founder and president of the AHVA Youth Committee for 3 years. She is a sophomore in Enderun Colleges where she worked as the events head for the schools Culinary organization, Culinaire and is the current marketing head for the Lux Lucis, the schools scholar organization. She volunteers at Read4Phil, a non profit organization promoting literacy for grade school children in poor urban communities. She is currently running @Chowbella_ph, a home-based bakery. Lucia was raised with a strong religious background, having attended 2 Opus Dei schools. She is passionate about the humanities, particularly literature, playing the piano, and film.